Week In Review

It has been a heck of a week.

Sadly, on Monday, February 11, my Nana passed away.

This happened to be the first day of my brand-new job (did I mention I got a job?). I hated having to tell my employer on my first day that I would have to leave for three days to travel to Texas for the funeral, but they were very understanding given the situation.

The trip was long. I got into my hometown on Tuesday evening after traveling all day (2 flights and an hour drive from the airport). I was lucky to be able to spend dinner with niece and nephew and a little time with my sister in law that evening. Wednesday was the viewing and funeral. We got to the funeral home around noon and I saw many family members I hadn’t seen in at least 15 years. The funeral was more difficult than I could have imagined, and I was in a place of support for my mother, so I didn’t allow myself the opportunity to grieve in that moment.

For as quickly as the funeral was put together it was nice. There were flowers and a Church of Christ pastor (just what she would have wanted) and songs that she enjoyed. I thought she deserved a bigger crowd of people. Her life touched so many to have so few show up to say goodbye.

I had hoped to take a moment to say goodbye but was pulled to and from various people. When I finally had my chance to go back the casket was already closed. Turning around and seeing the casket closed was incredibly difficult. It felt final. I knew that meant I was never going to see her face again or touch or hands.

I went to the gravesite later that evening and sat next to her for a while, a chance to tell her how much I love her and to remember all the good times and lessons learned. As I sat there, I wished I could be closer to her. I realized that nothing would be close enough to feel the connection I felt with her. There would be no more hugs. No more of her jabbing me with her elbow when she made a joke. No more hand to hold. I stayed until the sun started to go down and there was little light left.

I miss her.

That evening I took my mother to get her groceries, toiletries and new shoes. She’s been struggling financially, and I couldn’t leave her without knowing she was taken care of as much as I could in the time that I had.

I left to head back home the next day, 3 hours of sleep, leaving before the sun was even up.  I walked in the door around 6pm and was up and out the door the next morning back to my new job. I want this job and I want to do well. I want them to see my work ethic and desire to perform well. But its been hard to find the balance between grieving and every day life with so much change.

Life moves on. A new week is here and a new chance to be a better me, learn new things and step into this new role of working mom. I know it won’t be the easiest change for my kids, but I think its worth it since they are school age now.

So, there it is. A very brief overview of the last week. I’m still tired from everything that was happening.