Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Staying In Kansas

Anyone who knows me knows what a source of contention this is. Kansas was never on our list of places we wanted to be. The hubby and I never said “Hey! Kansas looks like fun!” but the Army decided it would be. So Kansas is where we went. I approached it with an open mind and I truly wanted to like it here. I tried to find the small town charm in my surroundings and equate it to my own hometown. I set out to meet new people, make new friends and to try to enjoy the experience that was laid out in front of me. Despite the fact that the nearest decent restaurants and shopping are an hour away, I remember driving through post with my husband and telling him “I think I’m going to like it here.” Unfortunately, things didn’t work out that way. Two years later I am left with a string of failed attempted friendships, two neighbors on either side who hate me and use me as a scapegoat for their own troubles, a small town that I’ve found has very little to offer and a city of negativity that has left me jaded about my experience in this state. The only good thing that has come out of my time here has been the birth of my beautiful baby girl and for that I would do it all over again.

We attempted to put the house up for sale a few months into the hubby’s deployment in hopes that it would sell and I would find some relief from the insanity of my neighborhood and that we would be able to move soon after he gets home from this deployment. Four months on the market and our home has only had two showings. It doesn’t look like it will sell anytime soon. Financially, the extra money has been wonderful since bills are slowly being paid of and we can see some light at the end of that tunnel. The hubby likes his job and the post and I can’t fault him for that. In the end, I’m the only person who really has a problem. I’m lonely, I’m bored and I can’t find anything that this place has to offer. I don’t see the opportunities and therefore I feel like its wasted time. That is why when the hubby told me he wanted to take the house off the market and stay longer, it was a huge blow for me. I had been steadily looking ahead to when I could leave this place. The idea of going somewhere new where I could be in civilization and meet people who would actually want to talk to me and I may have something in common with was exciting. It felt like someone was offering my freedom and then they snatched it away from me in the blink of an eye. The past couple of days have involved lots of crying, angry, confusion and sadness.

But I’ve learned that sometimes to do what is best for your family, you have to sacrifice your own desires for betterment of others. This is why I’ve decided despite my distaste for the area, I’m going to suck it up and try to make the best of the added years. I’m not saying the angry or sadness will fade away instantly and I’ll turn into a happy little June Cleaver overnight but I will try to commit myself to making the best of this exile to the Midwest. I’m going to focus on projects around the house. If I have to live here I’m going to make this place mine. I’m a stay at home mother so I look at these walls all the time and if I have to look at them I might as well make use of them. Maybe if I visualize my dreams and desires into my home someday I’ll achieve them. Either way, this is going to be a rough road for me continuing years into the future with no idea if I will ever find a trusted friend or a chance to discover anything about this place that I like. Wish me luck because I’m truly going to need it.

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